C from Cancer.

A small introduction as it’s my first post. I’ll get right to the point soon, don’t worry.

Hello there! My name’s Penny and I’m 14. I’m really interested in writing small tails, let’s call it, about topics that just pop in my head. The first narrative that I’m going to post here is about cancer and I was inspired to write about it from a game called «That Dragon, Cancer.» It sure went through me in all kinds of ways and I definitely recommend that you played it yourself or watch it on YouTube. But that’s not our point. I hope you guys enjoy it and make sure to let me know if you like it. Thank you and let’s begin!

*I’m sorry for any spelling or grammatical mistakes, but I’m not fluent in English, I’m actually Greek. If you spot any, feel free to let me know.* 

 

November 1st, 1999.

Dear Diary,

Sean is my best friend. I love Sean. Today it’s his birthday and I couldn’t be more excited. The fact that I only have one chance every year to get over myself and do the impossible for him makes me anxious but motivates me to do it.

Me and Sean have been through a lot. The fun experiences shine brighter than any other. But there are those dark corners in this memory book, as we call it, that can’t be hidden. But it’s so difficult to come out with words.

Bullying can be so tough. Sean and I, have experienced that. We’ve been through so many dark and helpless times and have learnt to appreciate each moment given to us to spend it with each other. We were never desired by the other kids, which was totally fine with us. We didn’t mean to fit in, we just went there because we had to. We didn’t really pay attention to those nasty looks and the low whispers as we were passing by. We smiled all the way, and that was what they made them angry.

I don’t know why, but they say that if you ignore them, they’ll stop. Well, that came out naturally to us, but it still didn’t work. The more we smiled, the more the anger of theirs. We didn’t know what to do, so we did nothing. Mornings were the quieter, because nobody really wanted to spend their waking hours teasing us. And we were happy. But lunch time was so horrifying, we hardly looked at anyone while there. As we were picking lunch, everyone would make fun of us, throwing food at us until we were gone. They might even chase us. But one day, that stopped. We had had enough and we told a teacher. But what we thought it would go wrong, went wrong. The teachers didn’t really like us, they thought we were gay and I don’t know what’s up with that, but that’s a different story. I clearly remember the dialogue, it went like this:

Me: Mrs Maria, could we talk to you?

Mrs Maria: I’m busy now.

Sean: It’s important. *Sean was furious that she didn’t even give us any attention*

Mrs Maria: Alright, what?

Sean: We’re in trouble. Kids will torture us every day, they won’t let us go. That’s a prison, don’t you think? Please, act! Don’t stand like this, we’re hurt, not physically yet, but mentally.

Mrs Maria: Ah, I’ll see what I can do. Bye!

She didn’t do anything. Months later, when we tried to talk to her she was “busy”. That’s so common nowadays. “Busy”. We would sit in class at lunch time, eating something packed by our moms. I think they wanted us to go at the cafeteria only to hurt us. That was it, yeah.

Sean was so caved in, with a depressing look on his face, sad blue eyes. And you know, blue eyes with sadness, those don’t match. I tried to remind him that every once in a while. It seemed to work, because his teeth shined a little. I found myself crying along with him. That was our darkest time. But, we got through.

In school, we realized that if we didn’t do anything towards them, not even look at them, they would be pissed off. But also bored. Bored to deal with people that don’t give a sh*t about what they do. So, that’s what we did. We wouldn’t look at them, not for one spare second. And what seemed like centuries, junior high school, passed. We’re in high school now and everything seems a little more spicy and wonderful. I can see Sean being happy waking up every day and that’s a big accomplishment. Compared to who we were before, this state of things seems so hopeful! I’m so grateful that I get to move on with my life, and Sean being a part of this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 30th, 1999.

Dear Diary,

Days pass by like a breeze. So gently and nicely. I can, for the first time ever, claim I’m happy. We’re happy.

Sean and I get along well with other kids, not claiming they’re out friends. But at least, they don’t mean to hurt us and they agree to do some school group projects with us. Being accepted feels different. I wouldn’t say it has changed my life. Neither Sean’s. We still get through a day, ignoring everything that bother us, not much talking to people who we know we’ll never interact with after school. People don’t really care about us. And we’re fine with that. We have so much love between us, we don’t even need theirs. I love Sean.

I need to go the doctor’s tomorrow, so I’m not going to be able to go to school. That makes me so nervous, I can’t let Sean go through a day without me. I can’t even think about it! We’re so alone apart. I’d feel so bad if I let this happen. But I won’t. I need him by my side, I would be so freaked out to be in a room with some guy in a robe, wearing glasses, anxiously looking and examining me to see what’s wrong with me. Oh, I’m going there because the past few days I wasn’t well. Not a simple illness, I don’t know, it has affect me mentally too. I need Sean.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 1st, 2000.

Dear Diary,

I’m sorry. I haven’t kept in touch. But, things aren’t going smoothly for me and that means I have to see Sean slowly cave in and tear up every time he comes across the view of mine lying in a hospital bed.

So, remember the doctor day? Well, that didn’t turn out good for me. Actually, it did. Obviously, I have cancer. Breast cancer. If I hadn’t been examined in time, it would have been a matter of time before I, you know. Not that I have faith in the medical treatment I’m given. But, you know it’s the only thing I can grab onto.

It’s difficult to find something you can be motivated and influenced by, so you can keep going through this battle that seems like an eternity, a torturous eternity. For me, that’s music. I’m listening to depressing songs that make feel secured. I’m trying to avoid the negativity in my brain, by making a warm den into the white sheets of the hospital. But still, the warmth can never be found in this cold fortress I’ve created in my bed. Fortress to protect me from reality. The reality that everyone regrets, my reality.

I came up with this quote while in bed, as usual. Where else can I go?

“A victim patient is like a candle. It suffers by every little drop of its melting body. It can see life either approaching or getting further and further. Let’s just hope for the first”.

I get sadder and sadder as I repeat my own words in my mind. Seems that for me everything’s going wrong. WRONG! I don’t know what it’s going to happen, and although I want to give this a swell ending, I’m not the one controlling this. I feel sad.

Sean isn’t getting any better. He has grown a beard. His figure has been assimilated in the room’s nature. A typical morning of mine starts by kissing his forehead good morning. I get no responds, only a trembling hand in my handful. I love you Sean.

 

 

December 1st, 2000.

Dear Diary,

Oh, the pain. I can barely write, if that wasn’t a computer I write to, it would be full with tears. The pages would be so heavy and weak by the weight of my tears.

I’m so weak. The weaker I become, the weaker Sean becomes. I have someone to melt with. And when the final touchdown comes, we’ll be together. I love Sean.

Summer was the coldest winter I have ever experienced. It was raining every day in my little space. Watching the sun rising and going down felt the same, I didn’t even care. But, the lower the sun got the more anxious I became. Would that be my end? When the sun went down, I would magically disappear myself? And leave Sean hanging? No, I’d better not die now. Everything was a threat to me. Everything would be against me. Everything started to get to me.

I’ve realized that I couldn’t handle what was going on. I needed to act! Cancer can’t be the end. My life passed right in front of eyes, as I heard Sean crying loudly. He woke me up from my far world, it was amazing there, you should have seen it.

“Sean”.

He didn’t answer, he coughed a little.

“I love you Sean.”

He cried. I let him there, supporting himself with only his one hand. Crying. He needed to break out. We both fell asleep with dry tears under our eyes.

March 1st, 2001.

I’m breathing. Sean is beside me, having trouble facing his own demons. And I’m here, watching this without being able to intervene. Without being able to give him the warmth he needs. Well, I’m not going to sit here and watch him slowly being taken over by his own insecurities.

My fingers explore a little his fuzzy, funny hair until I gather the courage to talk.

“Hey buddy. So much time has passed since we actually communicated with each other, I don’t even know. Nothing has changed.”

He smiled a little. He can express my point in such small ways, it’s funny. I love Sean!

Even though, death is approaching and life is getting further and further, I’m not getting excited. I’ve get used to the desperate voices of doctors and family. The only one who doesn’t talk and make me feel secured is Sean.

I’m about to crack, my bones tingle and shake, they’re weak against the hard mattress of this hospital and it’s getting harder and harder to manage to lift my eyelashes and experience a new sunrise. I don’t know what’s wrong. You know, I should be so afraid, full of emotions, negative emotions, forcing Sean to talk, but I’m not. I enjoy the silent happiness between me and him and the fact that I’m about to die doesn’t get me any anxious any more. I’m sick and tired of listening that everything’s going to be okay when it’s not. I’ve managed to make peace inside me and Sean is helping a lot with that.

December 1st, 2001.

Catastrophe is approaching. It’s just the instinct. I was to die one month ago. Doctors congratulate me, as if I’m about to die tomorrow. I think they want to give me a reason to die in glory. I appreciate that.

Even though, from the very start, I never liked any of the doctors, I could always realise how hard they try. But what I found cruel about them is that for them that’s a part of a job. They can’t realise what the family, friends and the patient himself experiences during that. I mean, they certainly care about an individual but I’m not convinced that they always try their best.

Sean, oh Sean, I can see the storm inside his eyes. His demons have demolished him. And although he doesn’t show it, I can see it.

 

I don’t feel very nice this very moment. I have never been so dizzy in my life before, everything seems so blurry. Sean can detect that. He turns towards me and in shock and tears he says:

“Buddy, are you okay, buddy?”

I can’t talk. My lips are trembling and I feel so cold. Like all the heat just started to fade through my sobbing. I know this is the end. I can see life walking away slowly, removing all my possessions, all my passions, all my progress. And Sean knows that too. He doesn’t try to wake me up, because he knows he’ll just make it more difficult.

In a low voice he says: “I love you, so much. I’m coming with you buddy, I promised remember?”

As he pushed himself to me, hugging me tightly, probably for the last time, he whispered.

“I love you, so much.”

I love Sean.

 

I don’t know where I am. It feels like everything is a complete blank, a white surface of the unlimited, if not just a terrifying pile of nothing. I could hear noises from reality played back over and over in my head. Sean wasn’t screaming for help, I could capture with what left from my vision, his figure leaning towards me and I could feel his cold, salty from the tears dropping upon them, lips touching my forehead smoothly and then letting me go. I love Sean.

“Dear Diary,

It’s been a long journey. I’ve experienced death and life combined, causing a tornado of thoughts in my head. Sean was there with me all along. ‘Till the moment of crisis, he was standing by the bed with his eyes turned towards me and his tears wetting the floor. I knew he would always be there. I knew it!

Storm did come. Right upon time. We both deattached from the string of life and everything else went, smoothly. I don’t know how to set it, but in an ideal world like this one, the only thing you could ask for is not letting anyone enter it without a good reason.”

 

“A cancer victim is like a candle. It suffers from every little drop of its melting body and it can see life either approaching or getting further and further.”

 

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